We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy celery and hummus this week and here’s what we learned from Star, Globe, OK!, National Enquirer and In Touch.

Once again, avoiding the express line had its privileges.

  • Star

    • Khloe Kardashian-Odom is buying a $500,000 surrogate baby.She’s hoping it will match her $500,000 alligator shoes, but she can’t be sure since it’s from a different designer.
    • Jessica Simpson has experienced a 35-pound weight gain.Sources close to the star say the added weight is clearly not the result of pockets full of Weight Watchers money.
    • Lindsay Lohan is broke and has been caught working as an escort.Some witnesses also say she has been caught living in an Escort.
    • There is proof that Coco cheated on Ice-T. Experts say, however, that there is still no proof that both of these people aren’t just a Starbucks beverage order.
  • Globe

    • Evil Camilla has told the dying Queen, “You’re too sick to rule.”The royal family was shocked by the statements since Evil Camilla doesn’t usually come out until the moon is full.
    • A coroner has claimed Marilyn Monroe was murdered because she knew too much and he was part of the cover-up. He later tried to retract his story, saying he felt bad for telling the Globe instead of selling a screenplay to HBO.
    • Valerie Harper had a secret battle with lung cancer. Fortunately for her, lung cancer has historically been very bad at rock/paper/scissors.
    • Fans have thanked Globe for saving soaps. They report that, just like the rest of us, their pointless campaign to take home all complimentary hotel toiletries has ended in victory.
  • OK!

    • Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are getting ready for twins Justin doesn't think she needs a boob job, but he's going along with it anyway.
    • You can see inside Kimye’s $11 million home. What a rare treat! The Kardashians are usually so secretive about their lives.
    • K-Stew and R-Patz are moving to Paris. They felt it was a smart move for them, because with their gaunt looks and aloof personalities, they'll fit right in.
    • Soon there will be a tell-all documentary about Angelina Jolie. Why bother? We read the tabloids, and they never lie.
  • National Enquirer

    • Tom Cruise is falling apart after being dragged into a gay sex phone scandal. His lawyers, on the other hand, are sharpening their knives.
    • After 31 years, find out what really happened when Natalie Wood died. "Who's Natalie Wood?" replied everyone under 31.
    • Tiger Woods offered ex-wife Elin $200 million to re-marry him. The cunning Swede took the check and convinced Woods she'd already married him and then showed him photos to prove it.
    • Bruce Jenner ripped into a cheating Kris Kardashian, saying, “I can destroy you!” Sources close to the former athlete say he finally ate his Wheaties.
    National Enquirer
  • In Touch

    • After finding out about her mother’s affair, Khloe is devastated that she’s not a Kardashian. Experts tie her distress to an irrational fear of not being rich and useless.
    • Bethenny Frankel was in tears as she was pushed out of her dream home. Even she thought making her leave through the keyhole was a bit much, but was thankful that her breasts were easily removed for the exit.
    • After being dumped, there are fears that Britney Spears might have a breakdown. But sources close to Spears say that every time she wakes up, there are fears she might have a breakdown.
    • Sean may be the first ever ‘Bachelor’ virgin. He finally admitted that he’s never wanted to watch the show either.
    In Touch