We read Star, National Enquirer, Us Weekly, OK! and In Touch this week — so you didn’t have to. We’re heroes. We know.

This week, Kim Kardashian is still pregnant and supersized, Angelina Jolie hates her engagement ring, John Travolta and Kelly Preston are having a $220 million divorce, Khloe Kardashian now has her best body ever, R-Patz and K-Stew are moving in together to save money on stamps, Heidi Klum saved her kids and nanny from certain death, all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.

  • Star


    Guess who’s on the cover of a tabloid again this week? That’s right, a rather puffy-looking Kim Kardashian.

    According to Star, the attentionista is only six months pregnant and already weighs 200 pounds. Exclamation. As in, that is soooo many pounds. And do you know how it happened? Star does. They believe she’s on the “I’ll eat as much as I want” diet. Somehow, amazingly, Kardashian is getting paid to binge on junk food, which explains the extra pounds.

    We are now scouring the internet for openings in this field.

    Then, as if everything that happens on this show isn’t shocking, we find out about a ‘Real Housewives’ shocker in which Mauricio cheats on Kyle with an escort. This seems all wrong to us, and very shocking indeed.

    Really, if you’re going to cheat, at least make sure it’s with a Ferrari or Porche or something way hotter than an Escort. It must be his first time. There’s a learning curve.

    We understand you may have stopped caring about this quite a while ago, but travel back in your mind to a time when knowing about Demi Moore’s divorce bombshell and hearing about Ashton Kutcher’s murder trial secret would have made you do one of those goat screams.

    Can’t think of a time when that’s how you would have reacted? We couldn’t either. Ashton and Demi are so 2000 and late.

    You’ve probably been wondering this and now there’s an answer: Star found out why Angelina Jolie hates her engagement ring. It’s possible it’s burning a hole in her finger or scratches her a lot, but it could be more likely that she’s afraid it’s prettier than she is. You can even tell by the picture how hard she’s trying to outshine (and be appraised for a higher amount than) the ring.

  • National Enquirer

    National Enquirer

    Angry-faced couple John Travolta and Kelly Preston are in the midst of a $220 million divorce. It’s a mess. After John’s secret hookup with “hunk on train,” seems a humiliated Kelly’s finally had enough. These two open-mouthed celebs have even gone so far as to begin living in separate homes.

    Hopefully Travolta is working on a new movie called ‘Hunk on Train’ because that sounds pretty sweet.

    You probably don’t know who any of these people are, but new details are surfacing – yes, we went there – about Natalie Wood’s death. A paramedic told all to the National Enquirer about how Robert Wagner let her die. Plus, there’s a bombshell document that has been found after 30 years. We didn’t even know they could make documents from bombshells. But hey, recycling is good.

    Meanwhile there's crab grass on the fairway of love, you guys, because Tiger Woods is cheating already. His betrayed new love, skier Lindsey Vonn, broke down over this completely unexpected occurrence. Somewhere there's a joke here about how she must have been snowblind, but we're not gonna make it.

    In an exclusive interview only found in the Enquirer, we find out that Judge Judy’s son is caught up in a rape scandal. And now we’re thinking about the fact that Judge Judy has a son and we can’t stop imagining her wearing that odd doily thing with a sexy black judge’s robe while getting legal with her husband. All rise indeed.

    Regardless, that kid of hers is in a lot of trouble -- and we're just talking about the next time he sees his mom.

  • Us Weekly

    Us Weekly

    Clearly bored with one sister’s weight gain, Us Weekly is proud to announce that Khloe Kardashian has lost 20 pounds in three months and now has her best body ever. Formerly the “fat” sister, Khloe has finally changed her diet and shape and gained a new confidence.

    Which is good, because she looks pretty much the same in the before and after pics. Of course, we contend that anyone would look svelte standing next to Kim right now, so hanging out with her is as good a diet as any, at least for the next few months.

    And no, we're not fat-shaming a pregnant woman. We're fashion-shaming those awful maternity outfits.

    Speaking of such, those style stumbles are drawing a lot of negative attention. As well they should. A woman with her own line of clothing should know better than to go around trying to look like furniture. Pregnant women can be beautiful and adorable. How this wannabe fashion icon is managing to ruin that for herself is beyond our powers of comprehension.

    In other news, Lea Michele and Cory Monteith of ‘Glee’ fame are learning that stuff gets real after you finally graduate from TV high school in your 20s. Us Weekly has a look inside Cory’s hidden drug struggle, now that he’s checked himself into rehab. The good news is that now we actually care about these two even though their show got tired three seasons ago.

    And you might want to sit down for this: Some women on ‘Real Housewives’ have had plastic surgery. You’re shocked. We know.

    Seems at least eight of the women have secrets that they’ve told to Us Weekly. And, some of those secrets might involve photos. Because otherwise it’s pretty hard to tell which of them have been worked on and what parts of them appear to be made of some kind of synthetic material.

  • OK!


    You’ll probably be pretty disappointed to find out that Brad and Angelina fooled everyone and said, “Yes, we’re married!” Apparently there's some sort of truth behind the wedding ring and a reason why they wanted to keep the marriage a secret.

    It’s so like them not to do things in the public eye. It’s a lot easier to use your celebrity for good when nobody’s talking about you. That’s why they would keep something like this a secret. Sure thing, OK! Magazine. What a scoop.

    Hey, looks like Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are moving in together. Again. Also, when you don’t have a movie out, it’s better to split rent with someone else rather than trying to cover the whole amount yourself. Just don’t fool yourself into thinking there’s anything remotely romantic going on here. The script they're living by didn't call for that and Stephenie Meyer hasn't approved the change.

    Across the pond, Prince William and Kate Middleton have made a surprise baby decision. They’ve decided that the baby will have to wear his or her onesies more than once. Mommy Kate says that if it’s okay for her to recycle clothes, it’s okay for her baby to do the same thing.

    Also, by royal decree, they’ve decided that people will be allowed to prattle on incessantly about minute baby details that no one should really care about anyway.

    Plus, we almost forgot, OK! reports that Brangelina may or may not have another baby on the way. This isn’t so much a medical situation as it is the two spending more time hanging around daycares to see which kids are left behind who might want to come help around the winery. It’s so much easier than importing them.

  • In Touch

    In Touch

    In the time it has taken us to round up all of these tabloids, Kim Kardashian has gone from just being six months pregnant and weighing 200 pounds to being dumped at 200 pounds. It’s her worst nightmare all over again.

    She has this nightmare every couple of weeks, based on the tabloid reports. She may want to see a psychologist about this recurring dream. But she better do it fast, because she has a secret plan to leave America with her baby. But really, can reality stars do anything in secret? That's gotta violate their contracts somehow.

    We hear that Heidi Klum saved her family in a beach rescue. There are (possibly staged) pics. They are cool. She’s a hero and a fashion icon. And if ‘Baywatch’ were still a thing, they should totes be having Heidi Klum on because that woman can pull people from water and still look hot. Pamela Anderson, eat your heart out.

    You’ll say “No Way!” But Kim Zolciak of ‘Real Housewives’ has reasons for why she forgave NeNe. Something about being told by the producers to do so and also not really remembering what the problem was in the first place, but whatever. Maybe she can get back on the show if she makes nice.

    In Touch also takes an inside look at Shain Gandee of ‘Buckwild’ and the reality star’s tragic death. Of course, they paid little attention to Shain when he was alive and going mudding in his hillbilly truck on the redneck reality show, but now that he’s dead he means a lot to everyone and it’s all very upsetting. For the minute they were paying attention, anyway.