Childbirth – 2 Shocking Truths No One Told Me, and 2 That They Did

I knew that being a parent wouldn't be easy.

My first experience with a difficult child was first hand. I was the difficult child. While my incorrigibility didn't quite extend to criminal activity, I was challenging to my parents. So was my older sister. We pushed the limits. We rebelled. We gave my mom and dad plenty of reasons to be distressed.

And that's just what I can remember. I don't have too much recollection of what I was like before I was two or three years old. However, I know I had to have a leash on when we went to Niagara Falls. I was hyper, curious adventurous and a little crazy.

When we were thinking of having a child, I began to ask my friends who were parents what it was like. Their answer was always a little scary. It was rarely just a positive superlative. It was usually a positive superlative with a disclaimer.

"The hardest, but most rewarding thing I've ever done."

 

"It's the best and toughest job I've ever had."

 

Or, my all time favorite from one of Fort Collins leading photographers and fellow Pittsburgher Tom Koetting, "Parenthood is losing your mind to find your soul."

It's not exactly how people describe powder days. My usual version of fun involves more payoff than challenge.

So, I knew I was in store for something big.

What I didn't know, and I don't know if it would have been useful information to have beforehand or not, was how shocking the whole experience would be. Our childbirth experience had us in labor for a long time, and it ended with a cesarian section. It was traumatic for me to watch my wife go through pain for a full day, and to see her go through surgery at the end of it.

Even if we hadn't gone to a sort of unwanted C-section, I would imagine that childbirth is almost always traumatic. The actual physical act that must transpire for a baby to leave a mother's body is just crazy. It's going to be at least mildly horrifying, whether all goes as planned or not.

A wise man once said, "Adversity doesn't build character, it reveals it." Childbirth could be just that adversity that reveals the character of the relationship of the couple giving birth. For me, it was very trying to watch my wife be in pain, go through pain, and then ultimately have surgery. It made me very sad. Afterward, I think I was in a mild state of shock.

I was shocked at how much the childbirth required of us. I was shocked at how simultaneously scared and strong my wife and I could be.

It was shocking how minutes before he was born, I didn't feel the same unbelievable pull of responsibility that I did after I laid eyes on him. Before he emerged, we were doing everything we could to have him out safely. Through that stage, there wouldn't have been anything you could do to pull me from my wife's side. After he was born, there wasn't anything you could do to pull me from his side.

It went from "She needs me," to "He needs me" in a second. It's not that I wasn't worried about her, but she was a strong adult under the care of a team of health professionals. She knows I love her. She knew many people loved her. He, being brand new to the world, didn't know anything. I was shocked by how much I wanted him to know that he was loved, that someone was there for him.

Then, hours later, I was shocked at how he had to eat every three hours. There is no punching out in that job. Someone has to feed the baby every three hours. For months, at least. Period. That reality appeared in front of me in a flash. It wasn't that I didn't want to do it, it was just that it was a huge shock.

Sarah and I are not the most clueless parents of all time, but we feel like we're in the running. At least I do. I was fairly clueless to the magnitude of some of these tasks.

Now, I realize that this information is probably out there in the baby books that I, frankly, did not read. But in conversation with parents, I always heard the general glaze over with catch-all comments rather than an X's and O's description of what really would be happening. So for kids about to become parents, here are two things no one will tell you about being a new parent, but should.

1. You have to feed the baby every 3 hours, at least. The feedings usually take an hour, and very often take the entire time, so one feeding melds into another. There is almost no exception to this rule, except when they want to eat more often. This is something that is so important to the whole process, yet I was so simply ignorant of, it is almost astounding. It's like wanting to go skiing without realizing that you'll be sliding down snow covered hills. The constant feedings are such a part and parcel of having a baby, that I am quite surprised that they surprised me. Every three hours. Feed. Change diaper. Hope they sleep for an hour or two after.  Repeat.

2. Delivery of a baby will most likely be traumatic. Nowadays, we are so lucky to have the medical professionals and procedures that we do, so there is a great chance everyone will make it through. However, describing child birth as much less than scary because of what has to happen and the inherent risk that comes with it is, in my experience, not possible. It was very difficult and very frightening, and afterward, I grieved for my wife's pain. I'm not exactly sure how to reconcile that, except that the creation of something so amazing and beautiful is just extremely difficult. Nothing that great could come easy. If it does, it's rare. The universe doesn't work that way.

Now for two things they did tell me