Top Ten Northern Colorado Headlines It’d Be Amazing To See in 2022

The term "slow news week" is never more true than the week between Christmas and New Year's Day. Lots of people have the week off, kids are out of school and people all across NoCo are still mopping up from the hustle and bustle of the holidays before jumping on some new year's resolutions, like losing the extra few pounds they've gained since Thanksgiving.

If I were psychic, it'd be easy to preview some of the headlines we'll be seeing in the new year. But this isn't fantasy-land, and crystal balls don't exist. Therefore, maybe it's better to type up a wish list, of sorts, to take an "if you build it, he will come" approach to 2022.

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If I could dream up ten amazing headlines we'd all love to see in the new year, this is what they'd look like.

New COVID Variant Spreads Like Wildfire but Only Gives Those Infected the Munchies and a Strong Case of Warm and Fuzzies

Imagine that. Just when you thought you were completely and totally over hearing about each new COVID strain, then comes the news that the latest variant isn't actually a bad thing. You can eat all the guilt free snacks you want and find love in your heart even for those co-workers who have annoyed you all year. Move over Delta and Omicron. Make way for "hug-and-kiss-eta."

The Colorado Eagles Win Calder Cup in First AHL Playoffs Since 2019

The Eagles began play in the American Hockey League in the 2018-2019 season, then, of course, with COVID in 2020 came the cancellation of the playoffs the last two years. The league announced back in August that 23 teams will qualify for the postseason this year. Imagine if, when the 2021-2022 season finishes up at the end of April, the Eagles go on a historic playoff run and bring the Calder Cup to Colorado.

Peyton Manning Completes Purchase of Denver Broncos with Brothers Eli and Cooper

The ownership situation of the Denver Broncos should come to a head after this NFL season completes, with the strong possibility that the team will be sold by the Bowlen Family Trust. On the one hand, it's sad to think the Bowlen Family wouldn't own the team anymore, but imagine if it changed hands from one family Colorado loves to another. To be fair, this is the longest of long shots, but we can dream.

Jack Nicholson Purchases Stanley Hotel, Tucks Each Guest in at Night By Tossing Axe Through Their Door

"Heeeeeere's Johnny!" I suppose this is a much longer shot than the Mannings owning the Broncos, and to be honest, probably not something I would enjoy as a guest of the hotel. But if there's a wish list of headlines for 2022, it's probably a good idea to throw some whimsical ones in here, too.

Radio DJ Finds Ten Million Dollars Cash Stuffed in Kitchen Wall During Home Renovation

Okay, this might be a bit more for my benefit than all of us collectively, but listen. I promise even if I do find a bag of cash hidden in my walls that I'll still come hang with you on the radio every morning, ok? I mean, for a while, anyway, until I could quietly exit out the side door with nobody noticing.

Home Prices in Northern Colorado The Envy of The Nation: Affordable for Buyers But Insanely Profitable for Sellers

This one always baffles me. On the one hand, people complain a lot that the cost of home ownership is way too much to afford. But then you don't hear them complaining so much as they cash out a six figure profit when they sell. I believe the expression "you can't have your cake and eat it too" applies here.

Tom Hanks Declares His Candidacy for President in 2024, Instantly Polls at 94% Approval

Someone will find a reason to disapprove of even Tom Hanks becoming president. But let's just all envision for a second there are no political parties, no elitist liberals or right wing conspiracy theorists, and all of our political candidates are just likable movie characters instead. Do we choose Forrest Gump or the guy who got stranded with the volleyball? It's a no-lose situation.

Colorado Governor Declares Immediate Change to Calendar, Declares Every Weekend Will Last Four Days

Don't mind me. Just making my way through another grueling 3-day work week here. The benefits of this one are pretty self explanatory.

Doctors Now Say You Should Eat As Many Carbs and Calories As You Can To Be Healthier Than Ever

Pasta for breakfast, pasta for lunch, pasta for dinner. Cake for dessert. Sign me up for this diet and tell my cardiologist to relax.

Every Colorado Resident Given 5 Weeks Paid Vacation Each Year and a Bonus Budget of $2,000 for Each Week To Plan an Actual Trip

I've actually lobbied for a variation of this with my boss before. Rather than automatically give a modest cost of living increase each year, allow the employee to defer their raise for as many years as they want to a "vacation money pool" they can cash out in one chunk in order to take an actual vacation rather than burning time off to finish painting the garage. Nobody has ever taken me seriously on this one, but I still think it's a great idea. Even better if it came with 5 weeks off and $10k to spend to do something fun.